People want to ask me and are simultaneously scared to ask me about the changes I’m going through right now. Any time me being transgender comes up, I tell people a quote from Kate Bornstein, “An honest question never hurt me. It’s people’s opinions that hurt.” I then let them ask me whatever they want. Here’s the most popular questions and answers I get as well as the things no one asks that I wish they would.
Do you have any regrets?
When I told my ex-wife that I was Trans, I left our marriage in her hands. I didn’t fully understand the consequences of that moment. However, she was never capable of loving me… the real me. The Christian church was never capable of loving me… the real me. Quite a few of my friends were never capable of loving me… the real me. The rejection hurt like hell but I got rid of a lot of bullshit in my life by telling the truth.
I don’t regret transitioning. I love my body more and more every day. I wish I looked exactly like a ciswoman but I’ve made my peace with that not happening. My only regret is the pain that I have caused my sons. I do wish my boys could still be with me 24 hours a day and that absence will always be a dull ache in my heart.
Are you more emotional now that you’re on estrogen?
I wouldn’t say that I have more emotions. I would say that what I feel, I feel deeper. The second week I was on testosterone blockers and estrogen, I watched the latest season of Chef’s Table. I cried during every episode. It wasn’t that I was feeling anything I hadn’t felt before, it was simply that the emotion was more intense and it uncontrollably erupted out of my face.
What about your energy level? If testosterone gives you energy then…
Yes, estrogen mellows you out. I was tired all the time the first few weeks I switched hormones. I still yawn more and, for the first time in my life, I can easily take a nap.
Doesn’t it feel weird wearing women’s clothing?
Not at all. If feels completely natural! Well, bras are a pain in the ass but I’m really good at unfastening them with one hand. 😉
Jokes aside, the biggest thing I noticed was how naked I felt when I started wearing women’s clothing. It clings to your body in a way that men’s clothing doesn’t. It took a few months but I’ve gotten used to it and now it feels weird to wear baggy men’s clothing.
You know what’s weird, though? Not having pockets. I wear a hoodie to work in the middle of the summer just so I have somewhere to put my chapstick, keys, and phone.
Can I feel your boobs when they get bigger?
Yes, someone actually asked me this one. I gasped and said, “no!” My girlfriend got super pissed, too… she doesn’t share. Here’s a good rule for you to follow with transwomen: If you wouldn’t say it to a ciswoman, you probably shouldn’t say it to me.
What about sex? How does that work?
Again, if you wouldn’t say it to a ciswoman, you probably shouldn’t say it to me. All I am willing to say on a blog that my parents and (maybe) my kids read is that I am completely satisfied with my girlfriend. I don’t need to fantasize about something else anymore when we’re having sex because I am completely happy with my body when I’m engaged with my partner.
Here’s what I am willing to talk about: Sex with Testosterone v Estrogen.
I didn’t realize how amped up testosterone makes a man’s sex drive until I didn’t have it coursing through my veins any more. Men really do have a higher sex drive if they have a healthy amount of testosterone. While I still have a sex drive, I’m fine with having sex once a week because my sex drive is significantly lower.
However, I want to cuddle a lot more. Yes, it’s a stereotype but I need my partner close to me. I need to feel the butterflies in my heart that I feel when she’s the big spoon or when I rest my head on her shoulder.
Getting to the nitty gritty, I told my friend that sex as a man was like taking an elevator: You get in on the ground floor, push the button, and arrive at the penthouse pretty quickly. Sex as a woman is a rollercoaster: there are parts that are fast and intense as well as slow building parts. At some point, you reach the end of the ride if you’re lucky… but the ride is still fun whether you reach the end or have to exit in the middle.
Are you scared?
I get this one from family more than other people… but I’m sure lots of people think it. Transwomen get murdered, beaten, and raped at a higher percentage than most groups. The day I changed my profile pic on social media and my blog, a transwoman was murdered in South Dallas. I was told by a friend to “keep my head on a swivel” and I definitely do that when I’m en femme. If a group of men stop talking when I walk by, my alarm bells go off and I start looking over my shoulder. I’ll probably buy some pepper spray soon.
So, yes, I’m scared. But I’d rather die as myself than live as someone that I’m not. That should tell you everything you need to know about my Trans brothers and sisters… why would we risk our lives every day on a fucking “choice”?! This isn’t a choice. It’s who we are.
But I have a question you didn’t answer!
Then ask it in the comments! 🙂