I was on the ride alone

J threw out this really kinky scenario and I was like “Yes, please, but –hey– how about I get a hotel booked first.” Then, as I was looking at hotels on my laptop, she kept going down this intense sexual rabbit hole on my phone that got weirder and weirder until I finally stopped her because I felt totally uncomfortable.

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More Than Enough

… One of my coworkers in his 20s said that Snapchat is where matches on dating apps go to die so I was SUPER hesitant to give her my info… plus I wasn’t wearing any makeup and the last thing on earth I wanted to do was send her pics. However, I gave her my handle and my app blew up with her photos. I was stunned at how good looking she was. Like, I actually got nervous. …

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A Normal Member

…when I started applying for promotions, I made the decision to do the entire process en femme. I wanted my potential bosses to see me and treat me as I am from day one. …

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The Hair I’m Home In

My blue and purple wigs felt like a middle finger… a dare to anyone to challenge my baldness.
It’s like I was saying “Yeah, it’s a wig. Yeah, its blue. If you can’t handle me being bald, then fuck off.”
But, if you told me I could instantly change one thing about my body, it would be my baldness. I still don’t like it.

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So, you have questions.

People want to ask me and are simultaneously scared to ask me about the changes I’m going through right now. Any time me being transgender comes up, I tell people a quote from Kate Bornstein, “An honest question never hurt me. It’s people’s opinions that hurt.” I then let them ask me whatever they want.

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WHAT I’VE LEARNED

We have a fetish in The West with stories having a lesson or a moral. A story can’t just be a story. For some strange reason, we have a compulsion to have something to apply or learn. I blame Ancient Greece for this weird obsession.

Fine. You want to know what I’ve learned over the last few years?

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I’m Done Limiting

I guess I’ve just hit the point at which hiding takes more energy than being myself. What that means, for me, is that I’m transitioning. It’s a huge step that I’ve been wrestling with for two years. All of my excuses to not transition have fallen away.

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Turned Into Something

Around the same time that I had just given up and decided that I didn’t have any hope of a financial future, my boss in Specialty asked me to apply for a Full Time opening we had. Within a month of being hired, the people around me realized that I was capable of more than I was doing.

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She Didn’t Bat an Eye

We messaged for a while, talking about her dog, life goals, our kids, and other random shit. Once I decided she probably wasn’t going to murder me, I asked her out for coffee. It was awkward, like most first dates. I just talked and let her talk. I felt like it was going OK. It was at the end of the date, as I walked her to her car, that she gave me this flirtatious look and I felt my insides twist a little.

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Epilogue

I walked in silence as God unfolded the last piece of origami from that experience for me. God stopped me writing at I AM because I’m not a man. One year prior, I had come out of the closet kicking and screaming, holding onto the doorframe with a white knuckle grip… but the truth had finally come out. As I walked, I was awed by what I was being shown. Creation had conspired to show me the truth, fifteen years before I was willing to admit it to myself.

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