A Desire to Connect

If I’m honest, so many of the pictures were taken to share on Instagram or Facebook. I wanted to share with you a very carefully staged portion of my life. I couldn’t just have my son take one picture of me in front of a cool wall. I made him take, like, 20 pictures.

What the hell is that?!

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Nature

Is this a cautionary tale of a Christian who gave themselves over to sin? Is my life proof that god is as angry and vindictive as so many of you fear that he is?
Is this yet another story of a repressed member of the LGBTQ community imploding in true Drama Queen fashion before they explode out of their closet in an orgasm of glitter and perfectly tweezed eyebrows?
Is this the story of a selfish asshole?
Is this the story of a flawed human?
How the hell should I know and why are you asking me for your answers?

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Different

As the three of us came back together, I chose my wording carefully.
“I don’t want to lay down the victim card.
“I won’t say that they took my spirituality from me. I’ll say that I let them have it. I made the choice to let them take it out of my hands.
“I need to take it back…

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Interlude 5

“What about Jesus?”

I asked him what he meant by that.

“Why can’t we just hold to what Jesus says and throw away the rest of the bullshit? Why isn’t there a church that does that?”

I didn’t have an answer for him. His question was too innocent and too deep for my pat answers and rote theological treatises.

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Higher Power

Zeroing in on my fear, my mentor kept pushing me to express my gender the way I truly felt inside. I told him ‘no’ every time, growing more and more firm in my answer. Now he and I both knew why… I was terrified of the people who would reject me, mock me, and dismiss me. I was terrified of the people who would brand me as Less Than. I wasn’t in the closet any more in word. However, in deed, I was still hiding. In plain sight.

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Acceptance

“Do you know how I know you have a problem with alcohol?”
I shook my head.
One of the other group members, a former military guy and admitted alcoholic, spoke up, “Because you didn’t dump it down the sink. Shit, man, that’s a valuable liquid as far as guys like you and me are concerned. We wouldn’t dump liquid gold down the drain.”
It had never occurred to me to dump it down the drain.

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Intervention

He gave me a few simple thoughts on everything he had just learned about me.

“You sit down with Carrie and you don’t end that conversation until she commits to your marriage or commits to a divorce.”

He also gave me some advice about being transgender.

“It is not your responsibility to change the world. When people hear about the level of pain you’ve been experiencing, they will grab the easiest answer they can find in order to distance themselves from your pain. Let them have it.”

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