Epilogue

I walked in silence as God unfolded the last piece of origami from that experience for me. God stopped me writing at I AM because I’m not a man. One year prior, I had come out of the closet kicking and screaming, holding onto the doorframe with a white knuckle grip… but the truth had finally come out. As I walked, I was awed by what I was being shown. Creation had conspired to show me the truth, fifteen years before I was willing to admit it to myself.

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Nature

Is this a cautionary tale of a Christian who gave themselves over to sin? Is my life proof that god is as angry and vindictive as so many of you fear that he is?
Is this yet another story of a repressed member of the LGBTQ community imploding in true Drama Queen fashion before they explode out of their closet in an orgasm of glitter and perfectly tweezed eyebrows?
Is this the story of a selfish asshole?
Is this the story of a flawed human?
How the hell should I know and why are you asking me for your answers?

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Interlude 4

I finally understood why God led me to that particular Grief Symbol. Just like that weed would always be on the farm, I would always be Trans. The only way to not be Trans would be to kill my heart, which would destroy everything beautiful in my life in the process. I thought about Jesus’ teaching about weeds and wheat, how they grew together and couldn’t be separated without killing everything.

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Interlude 2

I walked up the tree, sat down next to it, and just let go. I started talking and, before I knew it, I was crying as I told the tree my story. I talked about my childhood. I told my tree about being rejected by two of my friends. I told the tree about how much of a failure I felt like because of Vox. I told the tree how insignificant I felt next to guys like Shannon and Kyle, who I was in a Bible Study with. It poured out of me for a long time.

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Cultivate

We shared meals, laughs, wine, insights, fears, and dreams with each other. I walked into this woman’s life on the verge of losing my faith entirely. I walked out with the experiences that A. W. Tozer had spoken about in his book that I had read in China. I had journeyed into the land of the Prophet.

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Interlude 1

I packed up everything I had brought with me and went back to our campsite, not speaking a word of what had happened to Paul, Shwahh, or Aminah. I showed Carrie my journal entry when I got home and I told her about the experience but I could tell the depth of what happened in the woods wasn’t coming across in my words. I could tell that I didn’t even understand the depth of what had happened.

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