I’m an on again/off again resolution maker. Two years ago, I didn’t make any resolutions but I started hormone therapy and, by the end of the year, I was living the gender identity I dreamt of. Last year I was feeling myself and where I was in life and decided to make some resolutions. How did I do?

Getting Better at Spanish

This one started off really well. I was dedicated and met my goals on Duolingo most days. Then my Latina girlfriend broke up with me and I was surrounded by a bunch of gueros again. I kept at it for a couple of months but then lost my drive and just talked with white people about White People Shit. I’m still way better at speaking Spanish than I was a year ago. A guest asked me if I spoke Spanish and I told her –in Spanish- “A little. My vocabulary is small and my conjugation is bad.”

I’ll call this one a pass because I grew towards my goal but also a fail because I didn’t stick with it. I’m still happy with my progress.

Reading More

I fucking hit this one out of the park. It only took getting a library card and a pandemic to help me read more. I fell back in love with reading and have reestablished myself as a Super Huge Nerd.

Passing the Level 2 WSET Wine exam

My exam was supposed to be in May. Then the pandemic started and it was postponed until the Fall. Then it was indefinitely postponed. Then it was announced that we were going to be taking the exam online.

The announcement that the exam was online meant that the tasting portion would be removed. This was a relief for me because I have a really, really hard time dialing in what I’m tasting and smelling. I can taste a wine and say to myself “this is probably a Sauvignon Blanc or a Dry Riesling” or “god damn this wine is fucking amazing… it reminds me of a Bordeaux Red” but I can’t tell you I’m tasting unripe strawberries or that the wine has a short finish. Spending your entire life detached from the male body you wish wasn’t yours has long-lasting consequences, apparently.

As a result of the removal of the tasting portion, the exam was about cold, hard memorization and recitation of facts. I’m a college dropout. My first bout with Depression was in college and one of the side effects of it was a crippling paralysis I felt every time I sat down to study. Guess what? That shit doesn’t just go away. I’m on medication that keeps me from sinking completely underwater but I hit an emotional wall every time I sat down to study. I mean every. time.

As I took the weekly quizzes, I couldn’t get above a 75. This spun my anxiety up even more because I thought the passing grade was an 80. I was completely miserable and it bled into everything. I hated my job, I hated myself, and I hated wine. I regretted applying for the scholarship and swore that I would never take another test again in my life.

I texted my squad and sent a gif of a woman running a marathon. She had collapsed and was sobbing as she crawled towards the finish line. “Actual footage of me studying” was the caption I sent and then I confessed not being able to get about a 75. One of my girls immediately googled “WSET Level 2 Grades” and sent me a screenshot that a 55 was a passing grade. Epic facepalm. If there is a situation that perfectly encapsulates living with depression, this is it.

Anyway, I took the test and… I found out on New Year’s Eve that I passed! I get a fancy pin that I can wear showing that I’m a Wine Smartypants and I can add a tagline after my work email signature showing that I’m a Wine Smartypants.

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“What about this year, you fabulous bitch” you ask?

Well, not only did I get through 2020 accomplishing 2.14 of my three goals, I made it through 2020 without getting an STI while more than doubling my body count from 4 to 9 1/8. I made kissyface in an alleyway, a parking tower, and with my ass on a steering wheel. I had my first and probably last Tinder hookup. Oh, I also spent five days a week in a petri dish at work and didn’t catch COVID-19… you know, just a normal life for an Essential Worker during a global pandemic.

I think it might be time to let off of the gas for a bit in quite a few aspects of life.

I deleted my dating apps after my Near Miss. I really don’t have a desire to download them again… yet. I want to live The Lesbian Dream. When COVID-19 finally fucks off, I want to find a coffee shop that I become a regular at. I want to sit in my same spot every couple of weeks and sip on tea while I write these blog posts. Suddenly one day I’ll realize that the hot, queer barista has fallen for me after finding this blog and reading about me. She’ll ask me for my number and sweep me off of my feet. It’s probably too much to ask for but that’s the dream… a middle-aged, transgender sk8rgirl can hope.

I need to stop eating fucking Popeyes so much. I love that shit. I mean, when I’m having a bad day I don’t think, “I’m gonna get drunk” or “I’m gonna watch the best porn ever when I get off of work.” I think “Three Piece, White Meat, Spicy with French Fries, a Jalapeno, and some Cajun Sparkle.” My tits look a lot better thanks to that Popeyes but my belly looks like shit in my Cute Clothes. I think I need a few more veggies in my life so I can wear that “Honk Ma Fah” v-neck again.

There’s only really three places in life I want to not let off of the gas:

My transition

I’m sick of shaving my tits. And my belly. And my arms. And my legs. And the significantly lower amount of hair left on my face. I live hand-to-mouth but that IRS stimulus check is going straight to hair removal. Sorry, Dollar Shave Club, but I’m looking forward to breaking up with you one day. It’s also time for another Fancy Wig. My old fancy wig is getting a little rough around the edges.

Cheese Knowledge

During my review last month, I told my boss I wanted to learn more about Cheese since that’s where seven of the eight hours I work are invested. He’s a Certified Cheese Professional (it’s actually a big deal) and told me about a book that reads like a novel that will deepen my knowledge. My parents gave it to me for Festivus and, once I finish my current library book, I’m gonna dive in. Every cheese has a story. I mean it. Every single type does and they are all beautiful. I want to learn those stories and bore my guests with them.

Turning this Shit into a Book

I started turning the God, Gender, and Stuff part of the blog into a book. It isn’t easy turning my ADD thoughts into a compelling narrative and there is a bit of emotional pain reliving and writing about more of the nitty gritty stuff that I left out before. I made it up to my summer in Hong Kong when I had to stop and focus on the WSET Exam. After the exam it was The Two Months of Hell on Earth, known as working retail during Hannukwanzamas. I haven’t started writing again and I need to get back to it.

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So, there ya go. For those of you that started reading my blog for The Dating Soap Opera, maybe you can pray to Eros or Astarte or Frejya that I find my Coffee Shop Hottie or something? I mean, I’m not opposed to dating. I’m just sick of the games around the apps. I’ll give you all the sordid details if she makes her way into my life, I promise.

Otherwise, you’ll find me trying to talk myself out of that meal at Popeyes, wincing in pain as my body hair gets shot with the Death Star, or rubbing my eyes as I stare at the screen of this computer.